These are some funny one liners that my daughter found and I laughed so hard, I just had to share them with you. Let me know which ones you liked most:
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?